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Man! I feel like a woman…

25 May

Two weeks ago today I did the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I questioned myself about whether or not it should be done, I freaked out about, I prepared for it. Then, I just friggin did it. I took boudoir pics for my Future Hubby.

Before I took the pics I tried on my outfits. I looked at the rolls in my mid-section, and the dimples in my thighs. “Wait, are my inner thighs flapping around like flags?” Yeah, that was a creepy, disgusting, ugly thought. I couldn’t find one angle I thought looked good enough for the photographer to get a full body shot. But then I thought, she’s a professional, let’s leave it up to her.

So all that day I was jumpy. My leg kept shaking, and I was bubbling with something that resembled excitement, although that’s not quite the word for it. I went through my daily duties in high anticipation. Finally it was 5 and I could go home to start getting ready!

I started my makeup at home, then I finished once I got to the hotel. I walk into the hotel bathroom and I think bad.i.dea. This hotel’s bathroom had to have THE worse lighting ever known to man. “Oh my friggin God my pictures are completely gonna look like crud. CRAPCRAPCRAP!!!” kept running through my head. Let’s face it, with all these rolls I have, a pretty face is all I’ve got to save these pictures! But the professional in me kicked in and said “make it work”, so I did. I worked my makeup the best way I could in that little dim bathroom. Then I sat in the lobby, and waited.

When 10pm hit, I went upstairs to the room, and met the sweetest little southern woman ever. I IMMEDIATELY felt at ease. I changed, put on a cd that began with Janet’s Ropeburn and ended with Britney Spears If You Seek Amy, and it was on! We took atleast 300 shots in 2 outfits, and a few of just me in the sheets. I had such a rockstar moment! I was totally feeling myself! And when it was a wrap, I was in tears. I never felt so empowered in all my life. Never felt like such a woman. Never loved my curves as much as I did that night. It was me. Totally me in all of my thick goodness, and I’d embraced it more than I ever have before. This is me! And I love me. Finally, I love ALL of me. What a gift. What a gift boudoir photos, and Christi Austin gave to me. I’ve always had high self-esteem, but it’s never been THAT high. I think if my self-esteem grew anymore I would float off this planet! I walked out of that hotel a brand new woman!

That Sunday, I wore a dress to church! Not a pants suit like always, but a dress! So unlike me! I’m now pressed to wear dresses for as many occassions as I can. I want to show off my hips and my thighs! Yeah! I’m feeling me! And then, I got the pictures back. O…M…G…! Gorgeous! I absolutely friggin LOVE THEM! I’m hella excited about giving J the book as a gift. He has no clue that that’s what he is getting as a gift, so I’m so excited for him to pull it out the wedding night. Christi captured me in the best way possible. No, every picture wasn’t perfect, but even the imperfect pictures were perfect!

So Christi Austin, if you ever read this, I say thank you. Thank you for helping me embrace MY beauty. Thank you for helping me embrace my curves. You helped me fall completely inlove with me, no room for error, and I needed that, especially before getting married! I LOVE you for it.

I’m sure Jonathan’s gonna love you for it too ;~)


Trying Not to be That Bytch

20 Apr

I have a tendency to be a perfectionist, a stickler for things being done perfectly, and impatient with people who can’t do that effectively. I hate to repeat myself, and I often think that others should just be able to “get-it” already! Ugh! I can be, a bitch. The good news is that I know this about myself, and as one of my 2009 goals I have been working on it daily…and tested on it twice as much. So Saturday being my bridal shower and all, was the perfect time to see just how far I’ve come.

I’m told that the Bride isn’t suppose to have her hands in any of her bridal parties at all but ha! Have you met me? Well if not, please let me introduce myself. I’m that compulsive-sarcastic-gotta-control-every-dayum-thing-so-you-better-get-out-of-my-way-bytch, thank you very much! I did, however, stay out of, ohhhhhhh 75% of it, which should automatically earn me a goldstar, uh huh!

I also have a tendency to be picky about things, especially details. In my eyes, the bridal shower is just one step back from being the wedding when it comes to details, so I was freaking out about everything at first, instead of trusting the process. My bff is the exact opposite of me when it comes to likes and dislikes, so I was uber hyperventilating when it came to decor, favors, gifts, etc. In the same token, I was trying to coach myself on how to be a better friend, a better human. We all make mistakes. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect, there will be mistakes, it’s ok.

Do you know how long it took me to practice saying that and to actually make it apart of who I am???

By the time Saturday came around, I knew that some things wouldn’t go right, and I decided I was going to have a good time no matter what. Who cares that the dress I ordered looked a hot mess on my body hugging in all the wrong places, hitting too low on my calves? Who cares that I wasn’t able to get a pedicure so I was going to have to wear my 5 inch 2 hour Guess heels instead of my 3 inch 5 hour sandles? So what if I only had 15 minuts to get my makeup look together, and no time at all to practice exactly what I wanted to do during the week? Because honestly, in the end? it was PERFECT!

I realized that the only people that would know if something was off, or wrong, or didn’t make an appearance were myself and my bridal party. No one else had a clue that there was suppose to be a cd of music playing in the background, or other small things. Everyone had a fantabulous! They broke bread together, laughed, told stories, played games they lost horribly at, and showered me with lingerie, love, friendship, and support. They raved about the gorgeous cake my BFF took so much time and delicate balance to bring to the shower. They complimented me, and said it was a shower filled with style and love. Seriously, what more could I ask for?

I was loved. I am loved. And I am thankful. I owe so much to my BFF who put her heart, and hard earned money into the shower. I owe my heart to my family and friends for supporting me, even knowing that I am that bytch, and that “that bytch” could possibly make an appearance on Saturday. She did, for all of 2 minutes. Then I shut her arse out and told her to shut up and sit down because she was not about to interrupt the love fest that was going on! Because that bytch loves to leave herself alienated, but that’s not who I want to be this year. This year, I want to wrap myself up in love. I want to compliment where I use to critique. I want to hold a hand where I would usually scowl. I want to open myself up to the possibilities that are out there when you stop taking things, especially those things that are beyond your control, seriously, and just lay back and have fun!

I had fun. That bytch is well on her way to being dead.