Unemployed and and unmotivated

19 Aug
  • My husband kisses me goodbye at 9:30.
  • I get up and move to the guest bedroom to sleep at 9:35 because I can never fall back to sleep in our bed after being woken up. I’m weird, I know, and I accept that.
  • I wake up at 1:30 popping one eye open to monitor the time, the other eye shut just in case it’s a little after 12 and not really after 1. I always crave sleep.
  • I finally sit up at 1:45 and either jump on the internet, or grab something to eat.
  • 2pm I watch Maury. And I laugh. I laugh at those that are 1000% sure that the lil boy posing as a man on the stage IS their child’s “favah”. I laugh harder when Maury says actually, no, he is NOT the “favah”. Bwahahaha. Stupid hoodrats. Le sigh.
  • 3pm I either search for a job, or fight with my hair. These days, fighting with my hair tends to win, especially since it allows me to stare at Sonny on General Hospital for a good hour. Yummo.
  • 4pm I start getting the house together. Well, it can’t be in the EXACT same state it was in before he left home, now could it???
  • 5pm I chillax in bed until he comes home.
  • 6pm – 2am I chill with the hubby. We play game cube, we watch movies, I force him to watch my reality shows. I love hanging out with that man!
  • 2am – 4am I watch hair videos on youtube or plot the next lace front wig I’m gonna buy. Then I remember that I don’t have a job, and buying a lace front wig takes money and ummm, I don’t have any, so tomorrow I DEFINITELY have to spend the day job searching!

Except I don’t. I never do anymore. I’m so unmotivated. Don’t get me wrong, I want a job, I do. I really want to work. But you can only put out so many resumes and get zero calls back before it wears you down and out. What’s the point? Why spend hours a day applying for jobs that I know I’m overqualified or underqualified for with the millions of other people that are doing it too. I’ve officially lost my give-a-dayum, but that’s not very mature of me. I’m an adult with adult responsibilities, bills, and a household to help take care of. However, this economy has me singing the blues. Atleast the other times I’ve been unemployed I’ve gotten a lot of bites on my resume, but now? Nothing.

I feel disgusted, lost, and tired. I try to keep my faith up, remember that things are NOT what they look like, and that God has a blessing instore for me, but somedays…somedays that just feels like lip service and so very far from the truth. Somedays I want to completely throw in the towel and just become a bum. Thank God I love my husband or I think I actually would.

Right now I am just discouraged. Right now I just feel like a failure with no way out. I’m trying to make my dreams come true, but even my dreams have a price.

Pray for me, will you?

~HG

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